Tales of my first love
His name was Clifton and he was two years older than me. It all happened over this past summer. We knew each other for about a year but were never close until just before school ended in May. Over the summer, he came to my house everynight and we would sit outside in his car and just talk about things and laugh. He was everything I wanted plus more. I had my guards up from past experiences with men leaving (my father). He took all summer to break down those walls and he listened as I told him about my mother and father and how I didn’t know how to trust and that he was the only one that I even thought about trusting. He met my family and they adored him. He spent so much time with me that I began to wonder why he even bothered considering we weren’t dating nor had we even kissed. I asked him and he told me that I was beautiful and he didn’t want to hurt me. As summer ended and school started up, he starting trying harder. It got hard for me to not be crazy about him. One night I was stuck in the city and I jokingly told him he should come get me. I didn’t think he would, but he asked me where I was and he would be on his way shortly. That was the night I knew I wouldn’t be able to wait much longer before letting him get to me. That night he came over and we sat in the living room with my brother. Everyone else was sleeping. Him and my brother joked around about video games and other things. As I watched him actually talk to my brother, it made me want to kiss him. I wanted to tell him that he was what I wanted, but I was scared and didn’t. About a week later, he was at my house and I was cooking gumbo and baking a cake for my family and he sat in the kitchen with me. My sister came in and told us we should just get it over with and date already. I didn’t say anything, but he agreed with her. After that, me and my sister got into a cake fight. She was about to clean it up but I told her I had it and she could go take a shower. When she did, I gathered up my guts and kissed him. For the first time, with chocolate icing all over my face. He was quiet for the night, and before he left he tried to kiss me again but I couldn’t do it. I told him I shouldn’t have done it and that it was going to ruin our friendship. He left, and I felt bad. I knew that if I didn’t get over my fear of being left, I would never have the opportunity of actually finding someone who would care about me. I told him I should have let him kiss me and that I wanted him to. And he asked if I would be his girl and I told him yes. And we were together. Now, as I’m typing this it feels like someone is stepping on my chest. We are no longer together. Here’s why: my whole life I have been around dysfunctional relationships. I didn’t know how to get along with him. We fought, and a lot of it was my fault. One day we got into a big one and he told me he needed a break. I had never felt so guilty and bad in my life. He was there the day a friend killed himself. He skipped school with me, and we stayed at his house and I fell asleep with him. He was there all the times I needeed him to be and I just let him slip through my fingers. We still rarely talk, but every time I see him at school, all the memories come to my head. I’m guessing everything happens for a reason, but I would love to know the reasoning behind losing him.
My best advice relationship advice I can give is to not take the good ones for granted. Appreciate what you have while you have it.
